I hope my margaritas pass through security.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
