last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
