I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
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When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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