the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
