Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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