I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
