I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
