I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I am naked and annoyed.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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