I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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