now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
