The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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