Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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