We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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