Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
