my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
As shirtless as possible
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So much Jack, so little girl.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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