What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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