I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
