So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
