I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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