Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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