11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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