Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
