update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to calm my uterus...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
