3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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