I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
