it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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