I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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