i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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