How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
