you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
