She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
