Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
