I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
