Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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