So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
