Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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