we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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