saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
