just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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