Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
