please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
