Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
