Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
