you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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