last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
