spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
