I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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