i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
