Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
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Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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