Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
only you would photoshop your dick
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's never too late to be topless.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
