You're earring is so big in my mouth
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
All I want is dick and wine.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
