Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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