After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
