Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
