Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
