Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
