Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
