if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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