Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
